Can I write at all?

A writer I'm reading the the mo, Toni Morrison, reportedly said, "Writing is really a way of thinking - not just feeling but thinking about things that are disparate, unresolved, mysterious, problematic or just sweet." She also said somewhere that she didn't intend to do without that way of thinking.

In my own life, moments when I can articulate my own thoughts are like oases in an arid waste. I've been writing an essay on a novel that I mentioned yesterday, Sula.  And unraveling the structure of the novel, getting inside the skin of the characters, cracking the metaphors - all this has brightened up my days and kept me going this holiday season.

Will there come a time when even this will bore me? I shudder to think....

But the question I'm really thinking of is, "Can I write at all?" Or am I only able to critique someone else's work? Or slightly better, write something inspired by someone else's structure or story? Or at best, write about myself and my fears and my hopes and my dreams....

I feel soon I will have to make the call and give myself that chance. I've been working full-time and writing during long weekends when there isn't any scope for office-work even if people wanted it. But it has been snatched, hurried and botched.

Tomorrow I might post a short story I tried to write in the summer.

Answer to my Prayers

In Toni Morrison's Sula, a little girl, Nel, prays, "I want... I want to be... wonderful. Oh, Jesus make me wonderful." In The Bluest Eye by the same author, a little black girl had prayed for blue eyes. Why do Morrison's characters never have their prayers answered? I'm re-reading some of her books and this question keeps popping into my head.

I too know a thing or two about unanswered prayers. Ten years ago, while studying at film school, I had dedicated myself to God. I prayed and said to God that I wanted to use my talents for His greater glory. I've never made a film since. I also asked for a life partner. I'm still single.

A couple of years ago I spoke about this to a Cor Episcopa (I belong to the Indian Orthodox Church) and he told me, "Cast your net on the other side." Subsequently I've tried to study more, get another job, travel... Stonewalled everywhere.

And yesterday, on Christmas, I was thinking about all this and praying. Then I opened the Bible and found Ezekiel 4:8 before my eyes. "And, behold, I will lay bands upon thee, and thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days of thy siege." Yes I've read the verse before and there was even a time when I used to wonder if it applied to me. (My mother says when you pray and open the Bible at random you come upon what's in your own heart at that moment.) Yesterday this verse was very far from my mind and I was astonished. 

Before I end I want to add that there was a time when I was unsure if Jesus is merely the Son of God and a very high prophet or if he is God Himself. But you know how faith comes from hearing and hearing from the word of God. I now believe Jesus is King of kings, Lord of lords, Master of masters and the one who is in the midst of the throne and, yet, the one who takes the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne - o mystery - and that this Jesus is God. (Revelations 5:6-7)

Despite the years that have passed in waiting, I'm full of hope. I know that the vision is yet for an appointed time and in the end it will speak....

As I sit down for evening prayer, I ask that tonight, Jesus, you will speak to me. That will be enough for me.

It's Christmas ...

... and I'm lonely! And I wish for an encounter with Jesus himself.

Meanwhile, I'm munching cake and singing along to Fairytale of New York, same as last year. Hope next year will be better.

Jesus, Lord of lords, Master of masters and King of kings, we remember you this day and thank you for meeting our needs. We pray you will look down upon our family and our friends and help them come closer to you.

For we know that every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord